i want to run the race with vigor

I've felt discontent lately.

I feel as though this year has been full of surprises. Some good, some not-so-good. In the midst of these surprises, I've felt out of control. I don't know what will happen next. The moment I feel I'm getting into a groove of some sort, something new comes along and pops me out of the groove. I don't enjoy being popped out of my groove. I can't plan ahead, my expectations are unfulfilled or destroyed. I am a slave to my emotions at any given moment.

At the same time, I look back on the past year and feel incredibly blessed. God has provided much more than I could have asked or imagined and has given me a place to serve. I have a loving husband, a great apartment, wonderful friends, an inspiring church, a cuddly kitty, enough sub jobs to keep me busy and to keep the bills paid. Yet I'm discontent.

I feel homesick in the strangest way. I miss my family and my hometown, yet I feel at home here. I'm not immobilized by my homesickness, but it comes up again and again. The more I think about it, the more I think I'm homesick for the new creation.

I see disease, age, and infirmity cripple people I know and love. Accidents happen swiftly and bring irreversible change. An oil spill threatens ecosystems and the livelihood of thousands of people. An earthquake strikes without warning, killing thousands and leaving the rest without homes or hope. A lonely man makes an early morning phone call to an acquaintance, longing to fill the void.

Yet I have been blessed. What do I do with that? Where is my place? Who needs my help? I look for these answers, but not too earnestly. I'm afraid I might actually find them and have to do something about it.

I don't have any answers. But the following song brings me a little closer.

Let Me Sing (Andrew Peterson)

I wanna open up my eyes
And see a more beautiful world
Let the hand of God Almighty
Sweep his colors through my life
I wanna hold tight to the laughter
And ride it like a child
On the winds that billow joyful
Through the sky

I wanna open up my heart
But you know, sometimes it's hard to find
Because I've buried it beneath the selfishness
That I've hidden behind
I wanna stand my ground unshaken
But I wanna tremble when I kneel
And let my song remain unbroken
Through the tears

So let me sing for the love
Let me love for the lost
Let me lose all I have
For what I found on the cross
Let me trust you with my life
Let me live to give you praise
Lord, let me praise you
For the grace by which I'm saved
Lord, let me sing

I wanna open up Your word
And let the thirsty enter in
So they can drink deep of the water
You have given to them
I want to run the race with vigor
I want to fight the fight with strength
And let my song rise from a whisper
To a scream

I wanna open up my arms
And embrace that old rugged cross
I wanna take pride in the reason
And be humbled by the cause
And when this lisping, stamm'ring tongue
Lies silent in the grave
Then in a nobler, sweeter song,
I'll sing your praise
I'll sing your praise

So let me sing for the love
Let me love for the lost
Let me lose all I have
For what I found on the cross
Let me trust you with my life
Let me live to give you praise
Lord, let me praise you
For the grace by which I'm saved
Lord, let me sing.

results

i just got my west-e test results back. i passed the math (barely), but i didn't pass the science test.

i feel so discouraged. here i am, paying hundreds of dollars to take stupid tests that have nothing to do with my ability to teach. i study for hours. i fail anyway. now i have to pay over a hundred dollars to take the test again. i hate this system.

i don't even want to teach middle school anymore, but if i don't take these middle school tests, i can't get my washington teaching license. i'm wondering if God is trying to tell me something, or if i just need to try again. i realize i get easily discouraged and i'm not so great at the "try, try again" mentality. i studied...don't i deserve to pass?

it's as though i'm back in high school again, or even early college. i don't know what i'm supposed to do with my life. part of me has no desire to get a full-time teaching job. teaching is a lot of hard work, and i've really enjoyed having the free evenings and weekends, no grading, and no long-term issues to deal with. the other part of me has really enjoyed subbing and loves being in the classroom with kids. i know i'm good at it.

but...

i absolutely despise tests that don't measure what they're meant to measure. i remember some of the questions on the science test, and they were NOT general, over-arching themes of science. they were minute, obscure details that i would easily know if i were actually teaching it (by reading the textbook).

in addition, it's difficult to part with money for something like this the first time. doing it the second time will be crushing.

at least philip and i had a good talk about it. i'm grateful for a wonderfully supportive husband. hooray for spousal encouragement. :) i guess i'll study some more and take the test again, and worry about the next step when it comes.