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Now you know the worst
We humans have to know
About ourselves, and I am sorry

For I know that you will be afraid.
To those of our bodies given
Without pity to be burned, I know

There is no answer
But loving one another,
Even our enemies, and this is hard.

But remember:
When a man of war becomes a man of peace,
He gives a light, divine
Though it is also human.When a man of peace is killed
By a man of war, he gives a light.

You do not have to walk in darkness,
If you will have the courage for love,
You may walk in light.

It will be the light of those who have suffered
For peace. It will be your light.

--Wendell Berry, from A Timbered Choir: The Sabbath Poems

the Lord moves in mysterious ways; His wonders to perform

God has an interesting sense of humor. Audition results turned out much differently than I expected, but not really in a bad way. This time around, I feel very confident that God has bigger plans for me than I had for myself. If not, I'm building character right here and now.
Yet I'm curious: why is it that sometimes I feel capable of facing the unexpected, and sometimes I'm utterly terrified?
Well, today I feel capable. And I love rainy Saturdays. Especially when Mom's baking brownies.

all the live long day

Do you ever feel like time is creeping by, and there are so many cool things you could be doing, yet you're afraid you'll miss something if you go out and do it? I could have done lots of things to pass this last free evening before the commitments and deadlines start flying. But I didn't. I sat on my butt and reread Arsenic and Old Lace to myself in a hoity-toity Bostonian accent.

Today was a long one. It was full of running between yearbook-handing-outing at registration in the rec center to opening Covenant storage to tutor training at the ASK Center and back to storage. And then to Orange City to clean. And it was only a 10-hour day of mostly sitting around, but I'm tired nonetheless. Mom took me to Family Table tonight because we were both starving and didn't want to cook. Mmm, shrimp. And tonight has been dragging on. I want school to start, because now it's really inevitable. But I'm a little nervous about the first day. This is my 17th first day of school (18th if you count Rainbow Roads preschool, class of '89). Weird.

And Dr. Duitman called me at home tonight, pleading with me to be in band at least until the POPS concert. Oh, I just can't keep the fans away.

wow

Today started out normally. But after several phone calls from people 'desperately needing' to get into storage, Lauralee and I decided we should open it up this afternoon. I was thanked profoundly by many people. And I was excited to be on campus during THE Saturday that freshmen move into the dorms. Always exciting...I wouldn't mind being part of something like this on a regular basis. Although I'm exhausted, as well. And now I'm back at the info desk for 5 hours. If anyone is bored (well, if you're someone I would want to talk to), stop by the desk before midnight. And I will give you information. Mwahahahaha.

eat fresh

Who knew that Michigan could be fun? I dined on grilled cod, corn on the cob, a squash dish, fresh blackberries, and a wonderful blush wine while sitting around a table full of laughing people in a sprawling beach house.

And I went to a Greek Orthodox wedding and wound up babysitting the bride's adorable cousin while her parents played music during the ceremony. A little Greek dancing and too much pasta later, I found myself relaxing with my sister and her friends. We walked around the beach neighborhood and went to historic downtown Holland (just so I could say I've been there), then ran madly into the crashing waves at the beach (where the red flag waved, shouting to all beach patrons not to test the waters.....ahh, the risks).

Al and I arrived in Chicago at 8:30 a.m. Sunday morning and decided to wander around her old Hyde Park neighborhood. We went to the Point and took tons of pictures of the crashing waves soaking us as we ran near the benches and rocks. The morning was clear and cool, the sun warming us slowly.

What a wonderful weekend. Now I am at home, and working until next Tuesday. And catching up on my education portfolio....has anyone else not touched theirs in two years?

in the interest of saving time....

I'm making a list instead of giving gory details.

a. I bought a digital camera on Saturday....it is cool. I like it.
b. I test-drove a 2006 Toyota Corolla on Saturday and loved it.
c. My dad told me we couldn't afford a Toyota Corolla.
d. Dad said maybe when I get a real job somewhere and can make monthly payments on my own, I could get a Corolla. Sad face.
e. I moved home on Friday afternoon. I like my bed at home, but I miss my roommate.
f. My sister called me early Sunday morning and asked me to unlock the front door because she arrived 15 hours early from Montana.
g. My brother, sister-in-law, and nephews came to church with us Sunday night and stayed for dinner. It felt like Christmas with the whole family there!
h. I worked maintenance yesterday for the first time in a year and I enjoyed the manual labor.
i. I received a phone call from a friend who had not called me in a long time.
j. Lauralee and I have gone on at least 7 walks since the last time I blogged.
k. Phil is taking a family picture for us tonight. Hooray for artistic friends!
l. Heather sent me another card in the mail yesterday. I giggled. I see you soon, Hevver!
m. My room (and my sister's) is in upheaval from my move home.
n. I leave tomorrow with Al for Grand Rapids.
o. Did you know there is also a Big Rapids in Michigan? Yay, creativity.
p. I am currently working at the information desk and have received approximately 10 phone calls in an hour. Not bad.
q. A good letter to end on. I must finish the mailing task assigned to me.

Fare thee well, my fine-feathered friends!

good weekends are hard to let go of

The weekend was excellent and involved movies, drinks, restaurants, long conversations, very little work, long-time-no-see friends, a bonfire, and a wedding. Joelle actually let me have a knife at her wedding to cut cake! Ahh, the trust.
I now have a new roommate for a week. Ha ha, world, I get to sleep with Amy! And Lauralee is back from Chicago, and Marcus was here for the wedding, and I had a bonfire with Phil, Leah, and her brother's family. Leah's taking off on Saturday for ISU. I realized that we have been friends since we were six years old. Some of my favorite friends are the ones I only see once in awhile, but I have a great time with them whenever we're together.

I need to get back to school....I ended my blog title with a preposition.....

i'm just sittin' here waiting

One more month to go. I feel like all I do is sit around and wait for something better to happen instead of enjoying the present. I'm ready for work to be done and for the semester to start, but then I'll be frustrated by the amount of work to do. What is the secret to contentment and happiness? I'm stuck in a rut; in a routine that I can't get out of. And I want to break free, but it's so hard to kill old habits. I need to chuck my TV out the window, or at least watch it less. And the whole summer has gone by without me getting things done that I need to get done...like my portfolio that I have not looked at in two years.
On the upside, Lauralee and I started walking late at night for about an hour, after the weather has cooled off a little. It's quite invigorating. I like it.

catching up like we've been apart

My parents came home yesterday after 2ish weeks in Montana. I was on call last night, so they made supper and brought it to my apartment. Dad and I made popcorn on the stove, which we haven't done since I was maybe seven. My puppy was baffled by the sound of the popping. The results were delicious, by the way. Then today I went grocery shopping with Mom, which I also haven't done for a long time. It has been a good weekend with my parents...I hope I can be mature enough to get along with them when I move back home this semester. I'm guessing the fall will be so full of activity that I won't see them often enough to be annoyed. I hope. Because we'll all be happier if we can just get along.
I watched two movies on my computer today: Nanny McPhee (for the purpose of seeing another Colin Firth movie) and What's Eating Gilbert Grape?, an old Johnny Depp classic. I also spent some time outside taking care of Teresa's plants this morning. It was gorgeous weather! Wowza. And my dog got a bath...you have to understand that this is a less-than-annual thing. She looked skinny and funny when she was wet.
I have officially been cooped up too long in my room. Maybe I should leave.

things i love

1. this view of the San Jaoquin Valley
2. inspiring articles juxtaposing life and faith
3. being professional on the telephone
4. orange popsicles
5. Lauralee's "Johnny Cash" dance
6. eating with my brother, sister-in-law, and nephews
7. doing a difficult job well and sweating
8. today's piercing blue sky and the hot sun to go with it
9. raiding my parents' fridge for string cheese and snappy vegetable dip
10. discovering a good book
11. singing songs with a strong harmony
12. my sister's poetic enthusiasm
13. Teresa's birds, Bayliss and Louis, after I give them treats
14. hitting a tennis ball with all my angst and beating Josh out of a point
15. opening my cell phone and seeing the message indicator
16. my month-old sandals which are already worn down and dirty from wear and tear
17. hope
18. my dad's three-minute phone calls
19. my mother's one-hour phone calls followed by another 15-minute phone call
20. pepperoni pizza
21. driving the Green Goblin
22. anything citrus-y
23. meeting friendly older people and sharing a smile with them
24. rubbing a friend's back when she's upset and feeling like I am doing something for her just by being there
25. washing dishes while listening to Bebo Norman
26. getting mail in the workstudy mailbox!!!! woo-hoo!
27. my nephews' dimples
28. my new black shirt with ruffles
29. ice cream with chocolate anything
30. tlc

blah

Today is one of those days where time seems to drag on. I was dozing off over noon break, and I woke up to the sound of the ticking clock. And I could hear every second. I felt my boring life dragging on....and then I started humming that wonderful Cash/Carter hit, "It Ain't Me, Babe", to the rhythm of the ticking, which I don't advise. It was really slow.

Lauralee and I got the day off on Tuesday and spent it shopping in Sioux Falls. Fun times were had, and money was spent. Not too much, just the right amount to make a successful day off. Hooray for purple clothes.

Last week, there was no time to be had. Now time is an epidemic. I'm bored out of my mind, and hoping the feeling will only last for a couple of hours rather than the rest of the summer. Do you ever feel like you're going out of your skull? Your nerves are racing and you feel as though something important should be happening but then it's as if nothing important is ever going to happen....EVER. All I want is a little excitement, and then I get all reflective and think, "Well, this is life. This is what it's all about. It's not exciting, it's only something to get through." Then at other times I get way more from life and everything is wonderful and I can't stop smiling at the littlest things.

But today is not one of those days.

family

Today I realized again how much I hate the thought of being far away from any of my family members. My parents are leaving for a couple of weeks, and I may not see my brother and sister-in-law and nephews for awhile. And my sister's in Montana. I like hanging out with friends, but I enjoy having my family around, too. I'm nervous about student teaching on the West Coast and then deciding where to look for a job. Some people are way more independent than me and they like having space from their families. I look at most other cultures, and family is central to these cultures. In China, people think Americans are insane for making their infants sleep in cribs in separate rooms from their parents. The only assisted living homes are those belonging to the families of the elderly who take care of their aging relatives. Why is a person in America only considered successful if they do everything on their own? I am a little more sensitive to this issue since being so homesick in China, but I still don't embrace that part of my culture. I don't agree. I think family should still be central. Of course, family does not necessarily have to be blood-related, but I think many of us take our families for granted. I don't want to turn this into a bad ABC Family movie, but I like my family and I wouldn't mind being near them for a long time.

my happy place

These pictures are from the English department's visit to Willa Cather's homeland last October. I was fascinated by the open spaces (even more desolate and bare than around Sioux Center). The day started out cloudy and turned to rain, which was disappointing at first. But once we reached the actual plot of land that Cather grew up on, the sun came through and pierced the dark clouds just before disappearing over the endless horizon.

The renewal of God's creation swept over me and I was refreshed. It's amazing what 20 minutes of sunshine can do after twelve hours of rain clouds.

tell me about commitment and i shudder with fear

I feel trapped by my job. Every hour of the day is open for someone to call us, which means one of us always has to be near our apartment. And it sucks. I can't even live for the weekend, because weekends are the busiest. There's nothing worse than waking up in the morning and not being able to have plans to leave the dang apartment. Well, there may be a few things that are worse. Like wearing a wig made out of peanuts in a room of hungry, deranged African elephants.
All I want to do is go away for the weekend....camping, visiting my grandmother, seeing Al, or even just going to my house. And I can't escape. I hate it. I miss the hours I worked for maintenance, because I didn't have to bring my job home with me. Here, my home and my job are synonymous. THERE IS NO ESCAPE. I don't always hate the job, but I hate feeling trapped by something. It's the same way with me and relationships (with guys, friends, and God). I am incapable of committing myself to something without leaving myself an out...an escape.
I just want to be free.

when your best just isn't good enough

if we get one more knock on our door or one more phone call requesting something stupid (such as "Can we borrow your parents' lawnmower so we can mow a baseball diamond in the Dordt soccer field?") i am going to seriously kick some ass and then quit.

in pain right now...

...thanks to this chica. she dragged me on a six-mile bike ride tonight, after the worst day of work ever. of course, we needed the time to reconcile, even though she was a hundred feet ahead of me the whole ride. a hint: never work with your spouse....living and working together is great until neither of you get sleep and you have to face evil customers all day. and while lauralee and i aren't married, we're hitting on some pretty specific aspects of marriage (such as arguing over who does the dishes, reminding each other of dentist appointments, and yelling "WHAT????" very rudely when we can't hear each other). ahhh, commitment.

last night i biked to the library...

...and i got wet.

finally, as promised.....

more europe pictures...see below

steady rain

Anyone else see the fantastic rainbow tonight? Wow. I love Sioux Center when it rains, especially when the sun peeks out for a few minutes before going to sleep. You can't see sunsets like that in mountain regions.

Since I promised, here are some pictures from Europe and one from living with Lauralee.

i hear the train a'comin'

An update:

I watched Walk the Line last night. It was excellent. I played tennis with Phil on Sunday and almost beat him. It was excellent. I was mean and crabby yesterday. It was not excellent. Europe pictures of the excellent nature are coming. Seriously. I have one hour left of 'work' today. This, too, is excellent.

i shot a man in reno just to watch him die

I think summer work will be very boring, which makes me sad. I don't want to be bored during work, because that means it will go slowly. There are fun people around this summer, which will help, I hope. Like last night....random funness and alcohol. Yea for giggliness! Thanks for buying the plastic, Phil.

It's Memorial Day and I haven't left the apartment yet. I should go outside and enjoy the not-burning-hot weather while it lasts. Have a safe day and enjoy the water.

hi, everyone, hi!

Well, I'm back from good ol' Europe. It was a blast getting to know people in the band better, and not having to go straight to work right after exams. Ha ha to everyone that did. I can't really sum up the trip in a phrase, but I guess I'll try: A moving experience sprinkled with hand gestures, packed with history, and lightened up with hospitable alcohol. Yes, I think that sums up at least some of it. Pictures to follow....maybe.

leavin' on a jet plane....

in about 2 1/2 days. But we're leaving SC in 24 hours. Have I started packing yet? No. I have realized that I procrastinate on packing most when I should be the most careful about what I pack. But for this trip to Europe, I am going to take only the bare essentials. Like a shirt and a toothbrush. I mean, that's all I really need, right?

Graduation sucks. I hate goodbyes.

i heart my roommates

These are my roommates. I heart them.

Today and yesterday and the day before I did nothing. Like, no homework or studying or anything. I have come to the conclusion that I am a very lazy student. And I will be relatively lazy this week as well. Hooray for mediocrity! Ok, not really. I will do my best, but I just won't do it until the last minute. Today I had my roommates over for dinner because I had never invited all of them at once (which saddens and embarrasses me). And happily, they were themselves, which terrified my neighbors. So, roommates, I heart you. And I shall miss sleeping with you.

don't know just what to do with myself

My dead week is actually dead. I'm amazed and pleased. And people hate me for it. Just remember that this is already my tenth semester of taking classes at Dordt, and I have two more left.

All anyone talks to me about is how busy they are. And it's really annoying, because that's not even valid. Everyone is busy. It's not something to brag about. Whiners.

I'm stupid. If you see me today, slap me. You may not have the chance again. This offer is only valid for April 27, but don't worry. It will be back.

david garrick

Takin' a break from my term paper. I had 8 pages done three weeks ago, and now I need to revise and get it to at least 10 pages. Tonight. I've said it before, and I'll say it again: God has a malicious sense of humor. Two absolutely gorgeous days in a row, resulting in decreased motivation (can one be in negative motivation?), just when I need it the most. But I am bound and determined to be done with this paper at 11:30...at least for tonight. I can always get up early in the morning and finish it.

Pastor Herm made a reference to Robin Hood tonight in church, and Paul was sitting next to me. I felt famous.

special olympicizing

Today I helped with the Special Olympics for class. The weather was beautiful, and the people were fun. And I got sunburned, of course, because I'm a fair lady. My favorite person was a man named Keith who had about 100 people cheering him on in the 100m dash because he was getting us all pumped for it 3 1/2 hours early. He was entertaining. Good times. Y'all should volunteer for something like that sometime, because it's a big deal and it's fun to help and watch.

Yea, beautiful weather! Boo, homework. The thorn in my flesh.

Well, I'm obviously not saying anything important here, which is my signal to sign off and do something productive like take a nap.

i'm a frappucino...and i don't even like coffee

You Are a Frappacino

At your best, you are: fun loving, sweet, and modern At your worst, you are: childish and over indulgent You drink coffee when: you're craving something sweet Your caffeine addiction level: low

What Kind of Coffee Are You?

How Boyish or Girlish Are You?

You Are 50% Boyish and 50% Girlish

You are pretty evenly split down the middle - a total eunuch.Okay, kidding about the eunuch part. But you do get along with both sexes.You reject traditional gender roles. However, you don't actively fight them.You're just you. You don't try to be what people expect you to be.

How Boyish or Girlish Are You?

the carrot's gonna dangle for at least another year

I decided that God is crazy and mysterious.

I got a job as a summer hostess at Dordt. Not only am I not working maintenance, I am employed as well! Double bonus. Huge weight off my shoulders. And better yet, I get to live with my crazy fun evil twin buddy Lauralee in Southview all summer! I think Heather would have done a great job, too...Student Services is a little sucky with communication. I love you, Heather! I wouldn't want anyone else sleeping on top of me. = ) I hope Lauralee and I don't get bored. The job sounds like it could get boring. But at least it will not be maintenance boring. And there will be tons o' fun people around, and I hope we have a quality summer together.

And I got a haircut. It's really short, but I love it. It's easy and different and tomboyish/stylin', which is a nice, flexible combination. Sorry, no pictures at the moment, sister.

rising like the morning sun

Today felt a little weird. After a week of intensely warm and sunny weather, Easter was a cool, rainy day. I don't think I want to complain, because last year it was snowing Easter morning. Usually Easter is my favorite holiday. But this week, I didn't get to go to the Maundy Thursday service, and I played horn for the Good Friday chapel, and I played horn and sang in church this morning. I love playing horn and singing. But it makes losing focus very easy. I feel like I got robbed of Easter because I was too busy thinking about notes to let resurrection and grace sink in. And the church choir did not sing "Jesus is My Morning Sun", which we have sung for the past five years or so on Easter. It's kind of a cheesy Easter song, but I feel the joy when I hear the song. I don't know. How important are feelings and how important is commitment to faith? Can we still appreciate feelings without relying on them to tell us where we stand?

On the other hand, I got all my weekend homework done on Friday. I'm not sure I've ever accomplished that. It made car shopping yesterday much less stressful. After going to 10 different dealerships, I'm ready to kick back and not think about cars. Too many decisions to weigh here. Don't get me wrong, it was fun....especially when Dad and I got stuck in a sea of GMC pickups and SUVs and Dad likened them to the orcs in Lord of the Rings....as in, we were surrounded by evil.....

summer workin'

After all of my hard work applying to Village Northwest, they didn't realize I was only around for the summer. They wanted to hire me for a year-round position. Eek! I told them I was inquiring about a summer job. I could have saved a lot of work....and gotten a job on maintenance. Now I'm not sure I have a job on maintenance because they chose the crews today. Excuse me, but I have 3 years of experience here. Hopefully they kick out a newbie and give me my job back, because I actually know what I'm doing (and sadly, what I'm doing is maintenance). I should have applied at a camp.

winding down

This picture is from our theatre history course. Last week we had to dress up in romantic and classic costumes (classics on left, romantics on right) and hold a debate on whose style is better. The romantics won, of course.

I can't believe it's April 8 already. In one month, I will be flying to Eastern Europe. Crazy. Spring is definitely here, and with its arrival the motivation goes. The sun is shining through my window right now and the weather is gorgeous! The projects and papers and tests seem so trivial in the face of the cycles of the earth. The world will keep turning whether I write a paper on spina bifida or not.

And it's Passion Week. I feel like Lent comes and goes and I hardly notice. I feel the Passion for about three days, and then the rest of the year, I go about my own business as if it's unrelated to the cross. It's a syndrome. And I want to get rid of it, but I'm not sure where to start.

To all of you who are reading this blog.....Go outside and enjoy the weather!

sometimes you just need to throw a frisbee

La de da. I love wandering through life, pretending that I don't have a pile of homework to do in the next week. It's so naive of me. But it's wonderful.

another week, another chance

This is my wonderful roommate, Heather (aka Crutchy), and myself hangin' out in San Francisco over break. I like Heather. She is my same height...that is neat!

Jack Johnson is hammocky, according to roommate Sarah.

This weekend was mildly productive! I wrote 8 pages for my theatre history paper, and it only took me about 7 hours. That's gotta be some kind of record for me. And I even got some other homework done, read a book, went to a concert, a play, worked out, and watched 3-4 movies. I don't know how I did it. But I did. Actually, I have to finish my homework yet tonight because I've been rewarding myself too much. Whoops. Oh, well.

Today marked another misty, cold, and dreary day. But it wasn't too bad. I like misty weather. The cool spray on my face, the wet feet in flip-flops....you know, this kind of rain is necessary to produce beautiful green grass and buds on the trees and flowers. So it's all worth it.

Can't you see that it's just rainin? There ain't no need to go outside....pretend like it's the weekend....

I've been talking to lots of people about post-grad jobs and other summer activities. And it's weird, because my class is graduating this year. Thankfully, many of my friends are either staying for another semester/year or they're younger than me. But it hasn't hit me yet that in five weeks, a large percentage of people that I have known at Dordt for four years will be moving on with their lives. Life can be so scary...like jumping out of a plane without knowing for sure if the parachute will work. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving's not for you.

But we still have five weeks. Heck, I have another year. And it's Monday. Another week, another chance. We had a wonderful guest minister this morning at Covenant. He was from the Back to God Hour...a French-speaking African. He was funny and blunt and full of truth. He made a point about Son-bathing....if we soak in Christ's light, we should look different to other people. They should be able to tell by the way we look that we are walking in the light of God. Siyahumba!

Well, back to the paper. If this be treason, make the most of it.

happy of the day

Amusing story. Today I was sitting in the Grille talking about how full my Groupwise storage always is and how I have to delete important messages in order to have enough space in my mailbox. Amy told me I should delete my "Sent" messages, because they take up a lot of space. I didn't realize that "Sent" messages took up room. I thought, "Ok, I've never deleted my sent messages in the five years I have had a Groupwise account. I bet that would give me more room!"

So tonight, in avoidance of my homework, I began deleting some of my sent messages. I did twenty at a time (clicking each box individually), reading through a few I thought would be amusing (they were). Rosh and Lynnea came to talk to me, and Lynnea showed me how to select a whole page at a time. So I began deleting 200 at a time, using the mass-click method.

I'm not making a dent. I'm still in messages from December 2005.

Along comes Amy, who laughs at me as I'm deleting 200 puny messages at a time. She shows me how to open Groupwise Messenger and delete the ENTIRE folder at once. So I delete the whole folder, and we laugh at my incompetence. Then we see the number of messages in the trash.

There were 4,086.

We went into convulsions, and then went for a 10-minute walk while the trash purged itself. I think I need to start writing letters.

assessing life

Ahhhh, Assessment Day. This may actually be the first Assessment Day where I have actually been assessed. And it felt like all those ITBS tests we took in grade school...I always get nervous during these tests, especially during the reading comprehension sections. I usually think I'm missing something. Today I wanted to do badly just to make Dordt look bad, and then Bob Wiersma pointed out that my parents' livelihood is dependent on Dordt. And I want my inheritance. = )

Last night, the cast of Jane Eyre got all decked out and went to Spezia's in Sioux Falls for a good time. We looked good. And the drippy candles combined with the color-me! tablecloth was fun. I ate some bread with oil and balsamic vinegar and had fruity alcoholic slush (much to the disappointment of the underage thespians) before eating some Caesar salad pizza. The company was amusing and full of convivial jollity. I'm still missing the play.

Another dreary day. I can't take it much longer. I'm ready to have some sunshine.

musica

Taken from Sarah Jo, modified by Ralph:


1. Choose an artist/band.
Caedmon's Call

2. Are you male or female?
Beautiful Mystery

3. Describe yourself.
Hope to Carry On

4. What do some people think you are like?
Never Gonna Let Go

5. How do you feel about yourself?
Masquerade

6. Desribe where you want to be.
Coming Home

7. Describe how you live.
Not Enough

8. Describe how you love.
Mistake of My Life

9. What would you ask for if you had one wish?
Awake My Soul

10. Share a few words of wisdom.
Valleys Fill First

11. Where do you live?
This World

12. Say goodbye.
There You Go


Caedmon's Call has good songs for this game! I might have to play again with a different band. I feel creative. Not creative enough to write lesson plans or a term paper, unfortunately. I think my bed is calling me....

life (shake fist)

I hate life when suck gets in the way.


Tonight's choir concert was bittersweet. I loved the singing, but it reminded me of happier times. The final Praise to the Lord outside was too much. It's one thing to feel sad about the end of something, but it's another thing to feel angry. I guess I'm not sure how to describe the way I feel....but angry will do for now. And I'm sick of being angry. I've spent three years of my life being angry and I want to be done with it.

Thank you to the girls who made me laugh tonight. I still feel a little dirty......

Here are some pictures from tour.


1. Josh and I at a beautiful Colorado rest area. 2. Amy, Joelle, Carolyn, Jon, and Marcus: excited at a stop in sunny California!
3. Amy and I want OFF the bus!
4. Tour buddies (on the bus, of course!)

my cup overflows

Today was littered with tears yet full of unexpected happiness. All day I struggled with losing out on a great relationship, but everywhere I went, I met up with understanding people who gave me what I needed and more. Hugs and baked potatoes from Mom, Dutch bingo from Dad, conversations with Lauralee and Josh, hug and brownie offer from Hjon, love from Amy, and a good lectio session with Sam, Becca, and Matt involving a little P&W, wonderfully enormous fruit, and funny poop stories. Yes, I'm easily amused.

I do not understand God's ways, or the ways of men (and when I say men, I am being gender specific). But I know that when I'm just about to hit rock bottom, God sends some grace and fills my cup. In my 3.75 years of college, I have experienced more ups and downs than I thought possible. But I'm still alive.

Hallelujah! Grace, like rain, falls down on me.

There's a road ahead; I can feel it. But I'm making headway. Blessings to all.

up against a wall

I have the China syndrome again. My heart aches and there's nothing that can fix it, because I have no control over the situation. I got back from an insane choir tour about an hour ago, and now I am sitting here trying to keep my mind off of the difficult events of the past four days. Why did I let my walls down? Why do I get so emotionally involved in things? It was amazing...but now it's over and I can't change it. And my heart hurts...right above the empty, sinking pit in my stomach.

the night is here

Omaha was sweet. I enjoyed the time off school, although I'm screwed in terms of homework for the next week. The singing went well, and in spite of his nervous shaking, Dr. K did a great job, too. I really felt inspired by the music. Then we went to a couple of individual choir concerts (the National Lutheran Choir is amazing!) and the Peace Event, which was spiritual but not religious. The music was wonderful, but the words did not really fit my beliefs. Cool experience, however. Fun with singing, food, and friends. F-U fun!

We had another performance of Jane Eyre tonight. I found getting back into the show somewhat difficult, but the performance was good. My parents and roommates came...they are wonderful!

I shall now endeavor to sleep in preparation for the incredibly long day tomorrow. Have a good one, y'all.

go here. it's a fun distractor. i'm a wolf!

http://www.reincarnationstation.com/

how i feel

this picture is actually from my birthday in December (eating the delicious four-layer chocolate and cream cheese with oreo cake), but i needed a picture expressing how i felt today! i was wired as soon as i saw becky at chapel today. i got so excited for opening night...and all day i felt like i was on cloud nine. this has been my favorite dordt play, i think because of the small cast. the dynamics are so different with a smaller cast. i look forward to the next 5 performances. for those of you who live around here, you must come see jane eyre if for no other reason than to see a human puppy and a madwoman. and the costumes. and rochester's perm. hmmmm. just come for it all.

just a little bit

Left: Beppe and I playing duets on Christmas Eve (she's amazing)
Below: 100% roomie representation at the junior art show! Yea, Becca and Heather!






i wish...

1. i were a snowman or a penguin, because they are cool
2. i did my devotions more consistently
3. there weren't so many arrogant people
4. i could eat tons of food without paying the consequences
5. i lived in Victorian England, preferably as Elizabeth Bennet
6. the future were more clear
7. i were talented at arranging things
8. i could improve on the guitar
9. i could grow a beard just to keep my face warm when i walk outside in -11 degree weather
10. i wrote songs
11. i could figure myself out
12. i weren't so controlling
13. i could have a functional relationship, period
14. i were a velvety orange rose
15. i could read adolescent literature all day long
16. life wasn't lonely
17. i could spend more time with my brother
18. i weren't out to prove something
19. i didn't do the things i do
20. i appreciated my parents more

the heart has reasons which reason does not understand

i'm sitting here, doing homework on a friday night. i feel like a geek, but i don't mind it. it's nice to be alone and contemplate life through stacks of homework.

sometimes
i need
to get away
from

everything

i'm listening to music that i had pre-judged to be annoying and nasally, but it's growing on me. and i feel ashamed for judging it based on the person (i heart piano). why do i do what i do not want to do? paul, sometimes you make too much sense.

ooh! a survey!

This looked like fun, Nikki!

Four jobs I've had:
1. World's Worst Babysitter
2. Toilet Scrubber at Place #1, 2, 3, and 4
3. Dishwasher in hospital dietary
4. Waitress


Four movies I can watch over and over:
1. Pride & Prejudice (A&E version)
2. Back to the Future trilogy
3. Yours, Mine, and Ours (with Lucille Ball)
4. Swiss Family Robinson

Four places I've lived:
1. Edgerton, MN
2. Sioux Center, IA
3. Portland, OR
4. Beijing, China


Four TV shows I love:
1. I Love Lucy
2. That 70's Show
3. House Hunters
4. Clean Sweep


Four places I've vacationed:
1. Portland, OR
2. Phoenix, AR
3. Washington state
4. Frisco and Durango, CO


Four sites I visit daily:
1. DENIS
2. Blogger/Xanga
3. NOAA (weather)
4. Dictionary.com


Four places I would rather be right now:
Well, I'm in Montana right now, but here are others:
1. Portland, OR
2. British Columbia
3. Barnes and Noble
4. Door County, WI

Montana is fun, y'all. I did yoga last night and today I helped Al teach her English class (in a British accent) and I did not die on the extremely turbulent flight from Minneapolis to Missoula. We'll see about the way back.....

one big long scream of release

Why am I posting? I do not have the time to dilly-dally. I have spent the last five days working furiously on my homework so that I am not overwhelmed when I come back from Montana. But tonight I realized that before I leave for Big Sky Country, I have 3 hours of play practice which will be full of newly memorized scenes. Newly memorized? Try "I haven't started memorizing yet!" Send up a prayer for my sanity. Al, see you in 24!

carpe homework!

The blocking for the play is finally done! WHOO-HOO!!!! Today's practice was quite drudgerous, but we slogged through. Now we have to be off book by Thursday.

I'm leaving for Montana on Wednesday, but I'm paying for it. I have mucho to do before I leave so that I don't feel completely overwhelmed when I get back. And now I'm having two coaching sessions with Teresa and Sarah for the play before I go. I don't mind, except that I won't get to eat on Wednesday until I get to Montana. It will be a very long day. But I can't wait to see Al! I think this weekend will totally rock, right, sistuh? (You will have to help me a little with my lines....oh, bugger!)

As a side note: Playing plastic soccer in an obstacle-ridden kitchen with a dancing-queen roommate after a long day of play practice is fun. Full of jollity.

Carpe homework (and get it away from me!)

silly roommates and other enigmas

(weird giggle with Shannon)

I have strange co-inhabitants. Strange yet delightfully fun. The conversation went like this:

Andrea: So much butter.
Heather: I want to lick it or rub it all over my body.

That's just one sample of the insanity over here in D6. No, really....we're normal.

I am finding mucho happiness in this semester. I am discovering how much I enjoy living with people, and my class load is not so overwhelming! Busy, but with less homework than I anticipated. Of course, it's only the third week of classes. I'm enjoying using British dialect for Jane Eyre (and in everyday conversation as well). I'm taking three electives this semester, and I like reading kids' books for homework. I'm visiting Al next weekend, and this picture is just a preview of the fun we're gonna have!

Well, I guess I'll mosey to the library and do some homework. Oh...tomorrow we're getting a bunch of people in our aesthetics class to dress to the nines...surprise, Henderson!

someday joelle will return

Oh, delightful weather! How I love thee! I had a nice chat about the fine weather with the guy from Fareway who carried out my groceries for me. By the way, how cool is the grocery courtesy thing? That's not really a question; it's a vociferous statement with inappropriate punctuation behind it....but if I ended the sentence with an exclamation point, I would get chewed on by my English people.

For supper tonight I made vegetable soup with little letters; mine spelled 'Rob.' I'm not sure what that means, except that it may refer to Sarah's newly acquired pin-up boy. We also had corn, biscuits, and a wet roommate (but we decided to let her go before we ate her. She was grateful).

Newsies! Happy movie! I listened to the soundtrack as I pretended to cook this afternoon. It makes me tap dance.
Pulitzer may own The World but he don't own us!
Pulitzer may crack the whip but he won't whip us!

Joelle was not in class this morning, but she was supposed to be. I'm worried about her...maybe Fargo, North Dakota captured her and will not release her until it receives an exhorbitant amount of beaver pelts for ransom. Be-ey!

Enough sitting around doing nothing except blogsurfing. It is time I go to the library and read about French theatre until 1700 (that's the title, not how long I have to read it. If I had to read until 1700, I would be reading for a very long time). Stupid ambiguous clauses.

blessings

these are the ones for today, in somewhat chronological order:

1. wearing a favorite old comfy shirt
2. sunlit frost on the trees and grass against a bright blue sky
3. reading wonderful books in Children's Lit and discovering in myself a desire to be an artistic child again
4. no theatre class due to ACTF, therefore I got to eat at noon and have a lovely discussion on marital relationships with occupants of D6 and F3
5. remembering the excitement of being an idealistic education student
6. walking quickly to the BJH in wonderful anticipation of playing piano and letting my cares slide away through my fingers
7. giggling with my fellow horns in band and getting complimented on my old comfy shirt
8. eating sticky rice with chili with my roommates (I wasn't eating my roommates, I was eating WITH them...gosh)
9. reading Charlotte's Web...for homework! Dude! How cool is that?
10. feeding my emotional being with Win a Date With Tad Hamilton...I consider myself well fed!
11. having a dad who will bring me my forgotten tennis shoes when I have a soccer game in 10 minutes
12. an amazingly painful yet refreshing game of indoor soccer in which I played keeper and didn't completely suck
13. coming home to roommates that I love!

These are just for today. And I know I left a bunch out. I think I may try to post a thanksgiving list more often so I don't become grumpy in my old age. I hope a list like this will bring a smile to other faces as well.

And now I will stretch before I die of stiffness.

rollercoasters

Do you ever feel used by people? They only become your friends for their own ulterior motives, and when they get what they want, they stop acting like a friend? I would have guessed we would leave these kinds of friendships back in junior high, but here I am, a senior in college, and they are still here, still causing frustration and hurt. Some days I just want to bury myself in bed and never face the world again. But then I have times where I feel connected to others; we understand one another, and even though life can suck, it can be good, too. So we continue to push on through the suckiness.

Everybody knows
It sucks to grow up
And everybody does
It's so weird to be back here
Let me tell you what
The years go on
And we're still fightin' it
We're still fightin' it
And you're so much like me
I'm sorry.

I never liked rollercoasters when I was little. I stuck to the carousels...the simple, predictable, and safe round and round. Finally, when I was ten, my aunt and uncle dragged me on the Orient Express at Worlds of Fun. (They regretted it when they saw how green I was on the steep incline before the plunge.) I despised it. And then I avoided roller coasters for years. Once I got to high school, I tried the tamer roller coasters (a few ups and downs, but no corkscrews or twists). I kept wishing that I was brave enough to try the scary ones, but I would chicken out before my friends could get me to the front of the line. Then, when I was 20 years old, I worked up the courage to get on a mountaintop corkscrew rollercoaster in the Smoky Mountains. I screamed "Shit!" the whole time...but I went back three more times before the day was over, reliving the terror of the endless climb, the dark plunge, the flash of light, and the upside-down suspension.

Sometimes I feel like I'm going through life screaming "Shit!" I can only hope it will be worth the ride.

there's gotta be something more

more than school, more than routine, more than competition and callousness. why do we settle for less? we could reach beyond ourselves but we don't. we insist on staying in our own little worlds, content to post meaningless chatter on technological bulletin boards. does anyone really care what is on these posts? they are not worth the trouble they cause. and yet, we hope that people stumble across our words and find something worthwhile and attractive in them. pretense.

i think that's why i love pride and prejudice...it challenges the pretense of character and exposes people for who they really are through time and experience. each time i watch pride and prejudice (the real one), i fall in love with it. elizabeth bennet is unassuming, rational, calm, and collected in everything she says and does. no one walks all over her...she has spunk. yet there is a genuine kindness and intellect in her spirit; she wants to do the right thing. i admire her for being who she is. too bad i can't be as eloquent as jane austen has allowed miss eliza bennett to be:

"Yes, my youngest [sister] is not sixteen. Perhaps she is full young to be much in company. But really, ma'am, I think it would be very hard upon younger sisters, that they should not have their share of society and amusement, because the elder may not have the means or inclination to marry early. The lastborn has as good a right to the pleasures of youth as the first. And to be kept back on such a motive! I think it would not be very likely to promote sisterly affection or delicacy of mind."

there she goes, railing against the societal restraints of the time period, and in such an intellectual way that not many (besides lady catherine de bourgh) can argue her logic. i think jane austen had quite a bit of spunk herself. and to be spunky is a wonderful thing, as evidenced by beppe.

back to simple and relaxing life in toronto. a walk to the lake is in order, followed by reading, napping, and baking bread. mmmm. happy 2006 to anyone who happens upon my blog. = )